Thursday, February 17, 2011

Home Alone

Today was the first time in over 18 years that I have been home alone.

I feel to pause and savor the moment.

What will I do first? I think I will call all my friends and go out for breakfast with them. Or maybe I will spend the while day uninterrupted on the computer. Maybe read all the books I have started over the last few months but never had time to finish. Maybe do some exercise, clean the house the right way (since the kids could care less if they do it right or not), or even jump on my bed in celebration. I think I'll observe this day annually as my independence day!

Okay now that I have savored and dreamed let me reveal the truth.:

What did I do as soon as I got home from dropping off my babies (aged 7 & 4) at school? My babies who remind me daily that they are "NOT BABIES anymore! We are big and grown up boys, Mom." And I say to them "you will always be my babies even when you're old men." They laugh and roll their little brown eyes at their silly Mom. Anyway, I walk in the house after dropping them off and I sit down on the couch and ......... CRY. I cried harder than when I sent my oldest son off to school for the first time.

If I had my way I would keep all the kids home with me forever. I love spending time with them, talking and laughing with them, watching them learn something new, and laugh and play with each other. ( I will not miss the bickering though). I look back on my childhood and adolescence and think of my Mom and all she must have felt as she watched her children learn, grow, and eventually leave her. I am not ready for my kids to grow up. I feel like a little kid whose best friends have moved away.

My Dad once said that boys when they grow up leave and don't come home again, but girls - they leave and keep coming back. Maybe my Mom feels a little better than I do because she had a houseful of girls with a couple boys thrown in the mix. I have all boys. I miss them all already and they haven't even left yet.

I look at their baby pictures on the wall and say to them, "Why can't you just stay small a little longer? The world can be a scary place - just stay here with me - Okay?"

I repeat - I am not ready for my kids to grow up!!! My oldest will graduate from High school this year. Every time I think of that I want to cry all over again. He was the one I experimented all my parenting strategies on (and wound up throwing away all the parenting books). He taught me how to look at life with excitment, and wonder. He is still patiently teaching me everyday how to be a better mom, a better friend, and a better person.

I have watched him grow from a michevious little boy (that would put Dennis the Menace to shame) into a mature, responsible young man. I want to say to him the same thing I say to my little boys, "You will always be my baby even when you're an old man. I thank my Heavenly Father for the priviledge of being your mother."

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